Sep
25
Is Your Ex Trying To Ruin Your Relationship WIth Your CHild?
10:00AM September 25, 2009 comments: 27
How would you know if your ex-spouse is trying to ruin your relationship with your child. "It's called 'parental alienation'," according to Dr. Amy Baker, an expert in Developmental Psychology from Columbia University. "It's when a parent manipulates the child to reject the other parent.
According to Dr. Baker, "There's a lot of different ways to do it. Unfortunately the other parent doesn't always know. They might say, "Oh my ex doesn't have a picture of me in that house", and "Oh my ex is using a different last name from my kid." But they don't see the pattern. They don't see that the other parent has an agenda to turn your child against you."What are the reasons this happens?
Dr. Baker names some possible causes of this kind of behavior.
"Revenge, spite, jealousy, an inability to understand the child has a separate need."Parents should tell themselves, they may be thinking they hate that person but their kid still needs that person as a parent.
"Crummy spouses," she added, "can make pretty good parents."
Parents need to learn about parental alienation before it's too late.
"I can't tell you how many parents have said, "Oh my god, now I see what's happened but I've lost my kid,"" said Dr. Baker.
She urges parents to document every known parental alienation strategy their ex is using.Parents can go to court if they see a pattern; a pervasive pattern of the use of these strategies.Dr. Baker also cautions parents to use recommended responses.
"It's not always obvious what the right thing to do is," said Dr. Baker, "if your ex is bad mouthing you, or if your ex doesn't have a picture of you in the house; if they start using a different last name, it's hard to know what to do.
"Your kid could be living right next door to you, right across the street, in the same town as you, and if that child's been alienated, you're not going to have a relationship, that kid might as well be in Japan."
Be aware, document. Stay calm with your child.
It's important for the child that you be a reassuring, calm presence while this is going on." It's easy to lose your cool," said Dr. Baker. "What happens is your child visits the other parent then comes back to you with all kinds of accusations, lies, "why did you steal my college money, why did you break up the marriage."
"What happens is the parent that's being attacked starts getting very defensive, very angry, starts fighting with the child. You have to figure out how to get the truth out without bad-mouthing the other parent and without fighting with the child.
"What children remember is not the words, they remember the feeling of the relationship so if your ex is telling the kids that you're crazy you're unsafe, you're violent and you start screaming at your kid, saying, " I am not crazy. I am not violent", you've undone what you're trying to accomplish.
Your child is now feeling, this parent is making me feel bad, attacking me.
"Show that you are safe, show that you are loving in your actions.
"You also need," she continued, "to help your child develop critical thinking skills, so you can prevent your child from becoming manipulated. That's what parental alienation is, emotional manipulation, changing your children's thoughts.
Dr. Amy Baker is the author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome.She is nationally recognized as an expert in parent child relationships.
25
Is Your Ex Trying To Ruin Your Relationship WIth Your CHild?
10:00AM September 25, 2009 comments: 27
How would you know if your ex-spouse is trying to ruin your relationship with your child. "It's called 'parental alienation'," according to Dr. Amy Baker, an expert in Developmental Psychology from Columbia University. "It's when a parent manipulates the child to reject the other parent.
According to Dr. Baker, "There's a lot of different ways to do it. Unfortunately the other parent doesn't always know. They might say, "Oh my ex doesn't have a picture of me in that house", and "Oh my ex is using a different last name from my kid." But they don't see the pattern. They don't see that the other parent has an agenda to turn your child against you."What are the reasons this happens?
Dr. Baker names some possible causes of this kind of behavior.
"Revenge, spite, jealousy, an inability to understand the child has a separate need."Parents should tell themselves, they may be thinking they hate that person but their kid still needs that person as a parent.
"Crummy spouses," she added, "can make pretty good parents."
Parents need to learn about parental alienation before it's too late.
"I can't tell you how many parents have said, "Oh my god, now I see what's happened but I've lost my kid,"" said Dr. Baker.
She urges parents to document every known parental alienation strategy their ex is using.Parents can go to court if they see a pattern; a pervasive pattern of the use of these strategies.Dr. Baker also cautions parents to use recommended responses.
"It's not always obvious what the right thing to do is," said Dr. Baker, "if your ex is bad mouthing you, or if your ex doesn't have a picture of you in the house; if they start using a different last name, it's hard to know what to do.
"Your kid could be living right next door to you, right across the street, in the same town as you, and if that child's been alienated, you're not going to have a relationship, that kid might as well be in Japan."
Be aware, document. Stay calm with your child.
It's important for the child that you be a reassuring, calm presence while this is going on." It's easy to lose your cool," said Dr. Baker. "What happens is your child visits the other parent then comes back to you with all kinds of accusations, lies, "why did you steal my college money, why did you break up the marriage."
"What happens is the parent that's being attacked starts getting very defensive, very angry, starts fighting with the child. You have to figure out how to get the truth out without bad-mouthing the other parent and without fighting with the child.
"What children remember is not the words, they remember the feeling of the relationship so if your ex is telling the kids that you're crazy you're unsafe, you're violent and you start screaming at your kid, saying, " I am not crazy. I am not violent", you've undone what you're trying to accomplish.
Your child is now feeling, this parent is making me feel bad, attacking me.
"Show that you are safe, show that you are loving in your actions.
"You also need," she continued, "to help your child develop critical thinking skills, so you can prevent your child from becoming manipulated. That's what parental alienation is, emotional manipulation, changing your children's thoughts.
Dr. Amy Baker is the author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome.She is nationally recognized as an expert in parent child relationships.
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